Three Worst Films I’ve Seen this Year

This article first appeared in The Valley Vanguard.

There is a running joke around the Vanguard office that Joshua doesn’t know what “Top Five” means. Such a humorous notion comes from me submitting a “Top Five Favorite Graphic Novels” piece that appeared on these fine pages earlier last semester. Of course, I submitted a synopsis of five of my favorite graphic novels. Low and behold, our intrepid A&E editor informed me that what he had meant to say was that I should have submitted, “Your favorite graphic novel, and I’m going to run five of those from five different people—not YOUR top five favorite graphic novels.” In hindsight, that makes more sense than trying to jam twenty-five “top fives” on the same page; but, also in hindsight, I wasn’t really listening and still don’t really think he knows what he’s talking about. Regardless, and because I’m not really listening and still don’t think he knows what he’s talking about, here’s the “TOP THREE worst films” I’ve seen in the last year, rated from worst to best. 

Bad Taste (Directed by Peter Jackson)

Bad Taste (1987) is one of Lord of the Rings’ director Peter Jackson’s first efforts and features gruesome visuals and the talented director’s burgeoning eye for cinematography. It also features dialogue that is difficult to understand because it is New Zealand English and so low in the audio mix that I’m not sure where the accent starts and the sentence ends. Likewise, the plot is so intrinsically bizarre that it fails to captivate and maintain one’s attention (Aliens come to cannibalize humans….sort of?) and there’s a character who has a hole in his head running around satiating his pain by graphically stuffing random bits of brain matter back into his skull—for some reason. The movie is a spectacle and relies on visuals more than story. While I appreciate such a cinematic endeavor, this is one of those cases where boredom set in before the next interesting visual occurred. 

Zardoz (Directed by John Boorman)

If you want to see Sean Connery in a giant red diaper traipse around a fantasy world with a revolver and a license to kill given to him by an omnipotent being who vomits rifles, please watch Zardoz (1974). It features Freudian themes, some of the coolest names for factions (the Apathetics, the Brutals, and Sean Connery’s Mustache [that last one I made up]), and a scene in which people who are begging for death get ruthlessly shot by red-diaper-wearing sociopaths. I am still unsure if this is the most profound film I’ve ever seen or the worst thing that’s happened to me in a decade; and I watched both Terminator 3 and Terminator Genysis in theaters upon release. 

Getevan aka Road to Revenge (Directed by John de Hart)

Getevan (1993) was written, produced, and directed by one man. It also starred the same man and the music was written by him, too. His name was John de Hart. Is that unfamiliar to you? That’s okay, because it was to me when I witnessed the amazing travesty that was clearly his passion project. In real life, (de) Hart was a lawyer, songwriter, martial artist, actor, writer, director, and producer, but was demonstrably good at none of those things. As far as the movie goes, it features a poorly-delivered Shakespearean monologue, an uncomfortable date that seems to last forever, a cop/judge/Satan-worshiper, a horrifyingly-long sex scene(s), and a 70-year-old hero who wears muscle shirts and recites his dialogue as if he had never seen words on a page before. Getevan is a joy to watch….if you like being stung in the face by bees. 100 bees. Right in the face. 

What are some of the worst films you’ve seen recently? Leave a comment and let me know what you think!